Let me start with the crowd who turned up in their droves to witness what was billed Australia vs Tesdorf’s bunch of #$@%. 

The crowd, led by a freshly returned Kungen who had recently broken Murph’s self gratification record whilst in quarantine and Big Blue who had last been seen at the Soder chess comp sitting on a couch sinking home brew and heckling what he called “the fucking losers playing chess”

In fact, there was a rumor that Big Blue was going to make a surprise appearance for the Soder 8 with a late call up, but after seeing him bowl his first ball in the nets, which hit the left hand side of the net half way along and half way up, we decided he would be more use sitting on the pine and continuing to sink piss.

Nick Law to no one’s surprise also turned up after it was announced the club would be putting on free piss, however upon his arrival it was clearly evident he had invited himself to several graduations along the way and had partaken in much free piss drinking already.

For the first time this series Bruffy managed to arrive with the kit, enabling us all to at least look like we knew what we were doing. Thanks Bruff, we all hope the dinner and bus 69 home with the lot was worth it…?

To The game

A couple of new faces to the lineup, led by an injection of much needed youth in Slugger Burnell, along with an injection of the Bruffy, fresh off performing a highly publicised soixante neuf. Dropped was Brissler and The Tip Rat simply because it was felt Joel and Bruffy were better blokes.

I have no idea who won the toss or even if there was one, but Soder decided to field as we were in no doubt that we could chase down whatever total the Idiots put together.

The Bowling

A very confident Soder took to the field, with Condo offering Captain Jordo a fielding suggestion but was abruptly told to fuck off, with that opening salvo out of the way, Bruffy and Slugger Burnell opened the bowling with the goal of keeping the idiots under 130

Now from memory the bowling was pretty good but unfortunately so were the batsmen, who scored at a good clip. Once again we couldn’t get an early break through.

Unable to get a break through with the opening bowlers, the ball was thrown to the big Yarpie who promptly pulled his own pants down to reveal South African national flag on displayed on his pole pushers and was promptly told to pull them up again or face code violation charges- 

In he steamed! A missed catch by Bruffy on the boundary once again had us considering a substitution for big blue, but with BIG BLUES bowling demonstration still fresh in our minds we decide to persist with Bruffy. This only made the barrel chested yarpie angry and fuck me if the wickets didn’t start to tumble, with a classic catch by  Kingsley who had forgone his normal pre match 6 lines of O’Boy for a more low key approach- a great catch at a crucial moment to break the partnership- game on..

In a classic 4 over spell Logan snared 4 for 33(could have been 5) which was much welcomed ,as at the other end condo was copping some stick being banged for around 22 of his first 2 overs and was promptly removed from the attack.

Kingsley proceeded as he does on a night out on the tear, he caught everything that came his way and set a new standard for fielding. His bowling also proved economical 0\25 off 4

The skipper bought himself on and picked up1\7. 

Once again condo was thrown the ball from the other end and bowled a better line and length picking up his first wicket with a very good redemption catch to Bruffy on the boundary which then brought Big Tesdorf to the crease only to receive a large amount of verbal abuse which clearly got the better of him. Condo lengthened his run up to 12 steps and steamed him, Tessler went bang hoping for a 6 first ball only to sky a ball to the safe hands of slugger burnell. GGGOOORN A GOLDEN DUCK! condo had two in row but most importantly the prized scalp of tessler with no ink wasted in the scorebook

On a hat trick and with a slip in place, condo steamed into the return of the retiring batsmen who promptly smashed the hat trick ball just wide of condo who dived for the catch a good 3 seconds after the ball had passed him. 2/32 returned by Condo with Slugger cleaning up the last wicket 1/24 a good return in his first game

Idiots all out in 18.4 overs for a gettable 155

A very good fielding performance, but the bowling at times still too short and needing to remove an opener much earlier now the key target for next game. Guru and Larry not thrown ball were heard to be plotting the removal of Captain Jordo

Pick of the bowlers was the south african self dacker- Logan, the best return in soders history, great bowling mate…

The Batting

In strode a new opening combination, Kingsley fresh off 75no and Logan fresh off a self dacking looking for a steady start to the run chase ..Kingsley began where he left off with some sweet stroke play , clearly a man in form, whilst Big Logan was watchful scoring at a watching paint dry rate until his furniture got rattled 6 from 12. 

In strode Bruffy hell bent on making amends for his kit faux paus and make amends he did , scoring a nice 18 from 15 ,before being caught behind. He and kings put together a nice partnership which had us just over the required run rate target. Well batted by big Bruff, exactly the type of innings that was missing in the last game from one of the other batsmen

With the fall of Bruff ,last games century maker King Jordo swaggered to the crease to join his partner in crime and finish the match off for us- we on the pine sat back to relax.

Kings did what was required hitting frequent boundaries which kept the run rate ticking over, retiring for a beautifully compiled 50 off just 28 balls- six 4s and one 6- SR 178!!

At the change of ends we were around 90 off 10 ,50 balls to make 65 runs, Jordo at the crease, kingsley to come back in and Kungen was hence forth sent to get the barbie lighted such was our confidence.

With Kingsley’s retirement Slugger Burnell came into bat for the first time this series with a mind set to finish the game quickly, Unfortunately an edge behind? 4 from 3 not the return he had hoped for. At this stage things were tightening up and with Jordos stroke play looking a little more stifled than last game and Guru joining him at the crease the boys on the pine started to sink piss in nervous anticipation.

Jordo made it to 31 from 19 before a controversial LBW decision  (clearly too high) saw him depart bringing Condo to the crease. A watchful innings from Jordo which still saw his SR at 163.. not bad for a quieter day!!

Now at this stage the top order had left Guru, condo, and Larry with 45 to make off 20- somewhere along the line the run rate had been forgotten.

It has to be said Guru looked in good knick middling the ball and picking up 1s and 2s but it wasn’t going to be enough. Condo communicated to Guru that Kingsley was required back in and Guru should get himself out. Guru replied to this suggestion by running Condo out. 7 from 7 for condo who needs to get moving with his batting.

Condo’s demise saw Larry Pascoe enter the fray. Unfortunately, Larry was unable to get bat to ball with some good smart bowling by the village idiots, keeping him on strike and with the clear goal of not allowing run scoring machine kingsley back in. 

This act of bastardry (clearly tactics Soder need to learn) saw us run out of balls with wickets in hand going down by 18 runs 

To his credit Larry remained 11 no out off 14 and to his greater credit exacted revenge for condo running Guru out for a steady but slow 7 from 11.  

Pick of the Batsmen- R Kingsley- another great performance mixed with stylish stroke play and big hitting- great work!!

The Aftermath

All in all an improved fielding performance, an ok bowling performance which needs to be tighter and a slow as shit batting performance , a winnable game ruined by poor batting tactics and a lack of BBQ utensils and fire lighting equipment for a clearly enraged Kungen on the BBQ, who was heard to announce Jordos likely death for his complete disregard for how a BBQ needed to run and that he was now ducking off to lay a dugite in the forest before he was seen returning to turn the sausages with his fingers!!

0 wins from 2 games an awful start after a much-hyped pre season. A win needed in game 3 or heads will roll with big blue waiting in the wings……could it get any worse?

Soder man of the match- a tie between logan 4 for 33 and kingsley who’s fielding batting and tight bowling performance ensured he could not be left out…

Great BBQ- well done Kungen and Jordo and great after match piss up…

Looking forward to game 3!

KR

Whispering Death

Well what a  shambles! 

After a well deserved spray delivered to Smithy from Bruffy regarding his manhood, smithy made good on his promise to actually turn up. This was despite Bruffy announcing he was skipping the 1st game of the year to romance the Mrs at their anniversary- The Big Bruffster really needs to get his priorities straightened out! 

With Bruffy’s mind firmly on delivering an epic night of wining and dining his Mrs, he actually forgot to deliver the all important team kit, completely letting his mates down who were then forced to wear kids equipment (Kinglsey had young Oscars junior pads on which looked like two 2 band aids ) and to borrow the opposing teams kit, which they were non too happy about. The boys batted without genitalia protectors, thigh pads, helmets, all except smithy who of course had his own personalised gold plated kit and refused to share it- that’s the team spirit we were looking for smithy!! You really have become the ultimate effeminate Swedish male…- I’d hate to have been on the titanic with you and you were the only bloke with the keys to your own personal life boat!! 

But let’s not forget about the skipper who as usual set the benchmark for fashion arriving in a polka dot top and carrying his mrs pink esky- he would have put the fear of christ  into our sub-continent- ffs! But when the skipper raises the question “who’s got the kit?” Given ultimately it was his responsibility- we knew we were under the pump before a ball had been bowled- however, fortunately for him,  redemption was at hand!! 

Now let me get to the game itself 

• 

Putting it simply we bowled and fielded like old men, got whacked for 220 plus in 20 overs. A note to Kingsley- please only 2 cans of red bull before games not 6 , a little excitable trying to run batsmen out with throws that had no back up or they were already in their crease 2 minutes before trying to throw the stumps down- there was nowhere to hide from him….just a feed of mung beans and celery juice next time mate. 

Dropped catches, plenty of wides and plenty of sun burn to the roof of our mouths as Sehwag and co got to work hitting the ball over our heads. 

1-34 (economy 8.50) was deemed the best figures of the day- delivered by Whispering Death himself

Enough of the sub standard bowling and fielding- a great deal of improvement to be had and some hard lessons learned 

Now let’s get to the batting- 223 the target- Larry “Drifter” Hagberg and Guru “late lunch” Smithy marching arrogantly out to open the batting 

It was at this point we witnessed one of the great opening partnerships of our time.  

With smithy obviously still rattled by Bruffys spray and Jordo refusing to bowl him, he took vengeance upon Larry by running him out without him facing a ball. Now most batsmen in this position would have given smithy his 2nd well deserved and almighty spray in 24 hrs, but Diamond Duck Larry just trudged off to plot his next serial killing victim and took up his seat on the pine. But smithy to his credit committed his first selfless act in his lifetime and was summarily bowled the next ball- Larry 0, Smithy 0, opening partnership 0 from 2 balls- well done lads, ripping start to chasing 223…!! 

Out strolled Brissles who after being tonked for 15 an over (61 in 4 overs) was deadset wanting to make amends- he did this by deciding to get jordo in asap and summarily gave his wicket away to a suspected chucker, who has now claimed brissler as his new bunny, so firmly did his suspect action worry Johnny- 5 off 9 balls 

Now at this stage we have our backs to the wall , but the skipper and his excitable 1st Lieutenant Kingsley, had other plans and went to work, dishing up some of the oppositions own medicine.. 2 sparkling, heavy hitting, classy 50s without chance , at that stage gave us hope of posting at least a respectable score- still no thought or chance of winning – or was there? 

However – Jordos retirement saw Murph scurry to the crease and in typical Murph style was talking big numbers and in typical Murphstyle delivered sweet F.All , clean bowled for a silver duck having wasted two precious balls, still he was talking his performance up as he offered condo his genitalia protector as he passed by, but due to it being an xsmall and covered in a thick yellow substance it was waved away- condo now at crease with nothing protecting the family jewels and a pair of dodgey sub continental pads. 

Condo was greeted by Kingsley who was due to retire ,with the confidence building words of- give me the strike you wont need to do anything and nothing was exactly what was delivered by Condo a slash outside off stump,  thick edge caught behind 7 from 9 balls and took his miserable place back on the pine. 

Now at this stage Logan came to the crease with our 2nd retirement Kingsley having departed . Logan it has to be said had been busying himself with eating 3 kgs of cold home made meatballs and potatoes with a dash of cane sauce- how he actually was able to lift himself off the pine to walk out to the middle was a feat in itself..but like his eating, his batting was solid, showing some flair and some yarpie spine, giving jordo who had returned to the crease some much needed support.  

Now it was at this stage things started to look up .. Jordo really went to work and bashed those chirpy sub continentals all over skarpnack, at one stage whacking 3 sixes on the trot. Such was his dominance that a ray of sunlight started to appear for the first time of the match-we may actually get the runs to get a bonus point, 178 was the figure. But Jordo unbeknown to the rest of us had hatched a plan with  Pantsman Kingsley aka Barossa Banksy, to actually steal the match itself off their own bats! However there was still 1 problem- Logan… 

Now logan in an act of genius and directly after Jordo had reached a magnificent 100 off just 40 balls- the likes of which I’m sure skarpnack had not and will not witness again, decided that the best course of action was to not only get out himself but to invoke the double play and run jordo out at the same time- with mission accomplished Kingsley strolled to the crease, logan went back to feasting on his meatballs and potatoes (14 from 11 – promising innings by the big south African) and Jordo returned to his team mates to regale them with stories of his greatness… 

Now at this stage we were still 42 down with 6 balls remaining- 5 sixes would do it and a 12 off the last ball- “cometh the moment cometh the man” – Vego Kingsley nearly pulled it off , racing from a retirement score of 50 to be not out 75, bashing a 12 off the last ball leaving us just 17 runs short of a very worried bunch of sub continentals, who were starting to fray at the edges and who had clearly dropped their bundle and were seen arguing amongst themselves. Clearly Kingsley’s hyperactivity had got to them… 

4 more balls and we might have been home…!!! 

Given the rest of us faced just 34 balls out of a possible 109 delivered scoring a paltry 26 out of 205 runs, it really was the Jordo and kingsley batting masterclass that has no doubt put the fear of god into the other teams- they will be firmly In the minds of our sub continental friends next time we meet in the GF 

Had we had just one more of us stand up at bat ,or been a bit more fuller and direct at the stumps with the bowling , we (aka jordo and Kingsley) would actually have got us over the line… 

11th June next game vs village idiot- let’s call this one as it is- The Ashes- a big rivalry to be formed from here on in against these geezers 

Will be good to have an injection of youth with the possible inclusion of slugger Burnell, and bad boy Bruffy to cancel that youth policy straight back out 

Special mention to the spy, Nick Law who turned up drank free piss and left 

Man of the Match- Skipper Jordo what a superb innings, outstanding big hitting, cool as a cucumber in a crisis, closely followed by the classy, crisp hitting and astute batting of Lieutenant Kinglsey – 101 and 75 respectively great knock fellas, was a pleasure to watch and lifted the spirits of the boys back on the pine… 

Great to be back out having a hit with a great bunch of competitive mates, looking forward to the rest of the series… 

KR  Whispering Death